Where are all the bisexual men?

By S. Kara Floyd

It’s a sweaty, celebratory scene -- the first parade of Pride Month. 

There’s music, costumes, and flags of every color being waved by the proud, smiling faces of queer people all across the world. Each letter of the LGBTQ+ is represented.

But there is one noticeable void in the rainbow-laden crowd -- there are almost no men waving the pink, purple, and blue striped flag representing bisexuality. 

For many queer Americans, bisexuality is the new black. 

According to the 2024 Gallup Report on LGBTQ+ identification in American adults, 57.3% of queer adults identify as bisexual, which is a whopping 4.4% of all American adults. 

“About 70% of the women I talk to and I hang out with … identify as bisexual,” said Ethan Cole, a straight male student at the College of Charleston. 

But in a post-Stonewall America, where bisexuality is increasingly common, bisexual men have become somewhat of a missing link. 

Cole could not name one bisexual man that he knew. Only gay men. 

So where are all the bisexual men? 

The reality is that bisexual men are not a myth, but they are a minority due to factors like a lack of belief, lack of trust, and lack of acceptance. 

Sex education lacks substance for non-straight individuals

While not every queer person knows or understands their identity in childhood, the chance that they’d get to learn about sexualities at school is near zero. 

The American South is notorious for its sexual education standards lacking substance, and often omitting and banning information related to sexuality and gender. South Carolina law specifically says information about gender, consent, and sexuality is not required in state sex education curriculum. 

Hercules Brown, Chief Operating Officer of Charleston Pride, never heard mention of queer identities growing up in the South. 

“Men have sex with women, women have sex with men. There was no… mention of homosexuality or queerness or of differences,” said Brown. 

For many, it’s the same story; they never even heard what it meant to be gay until middle school.

But like many other things 13-year-olds laugh at, “gay” is synonymous with all things bad. 

And worse, many never heard about different sexualities in their own homes, making a painful process of self-discovery and coming out. 

“I came out several times in my life,” said Cami Michels, College of Charleston student. 

As a bisexual woman with pastors as parents, Michels experienced firsthand the emotional whirlwind of coming out. 

“I first came out… to my brothers,” said Michels. “My brothers were very supportive of me, one being queer himself, the other being liberal. When I came out to my parents, it was the hardest thing ever.” 

But coming out at home doesn’t count all the times people come out in their lives – at school, in a workplace, when meeting new people, etc. 

Stigmas especially tough on bisexuals

Bisexuality has its own stigmas and stereotypes that Michels has heard and experienced.

“Some misconceptions I hear regardless of gender are that we cheat, that we’re promiscuous, and that we’re dishonest,” said Michels. 

Brown has heard similar stereotypes about bisexuals.

“They're greedy, they're indecisive," he repeated. "You know, that they want their cake and eat it too.”

These stereotypes, though harmful and misinformed, are not the sole suspects for the lack of men who come out as bisexual. 

Coming out is not an equal experience for every gender -- the same way it isn’t for every age or race. 

“I think that men are forced to come out way too early,” said Michels. “It seems like any sense of femininity in men is pointed out and they are called gay constantly.” 

Brown agrees that the experience for women coming out tends to be an "easier path," though still not easy.

“Especially here in the South and in the Bible Belt," Brown said. "Women will be more inclined to come forward and say that they're bisexual faster than a man will, for sure.”

A piece to the pink-purple-blue colored puzzle may be that some bisexual men were forced to come out as "gay" when they were younger before even they understood their sexuality.

“Society is more OK with the idea of women being bisexual than men,” said Michels. “I think it is expected more too.” 

In fact, a cross-sectional survey in 2023, asked 552 participants to rate their feelings toward 12 bisexual targets who varied in gender identity (man, woman), gender modality (cisgender, transgender), and race/ethnicity (White, Black, Hispanic).

Participants rated bisexual men more negatively than women, transgender individuals more negatively than cisgender individuals, and Black/Hispanic individuals more negatively than White individuals.

Cole believes a lot of this stems from key differences in our expectations of men versus women in modern society. He argues that while society has generally improved upon its traditionally sexist views of women, he believes it has not done so with men.

“Men are still stuck to these more traditional roles and any deviation makes them 'gay,'” said Cole. 

In the quest to find bisexual men, the truth is that they’re around, and they always have been around. 

But even a 2013 study from the Mailman School of Public Health at Columbia University found that bisexual men were much more likely than bisexual women to keep their homosexual side "on the down low."

The researchers studied 203 nongay-identified men in New York City, who self-reported being behaviorally bisexual and had not disclosed their same-sex behavior to their female partners.

Nearly 38% of the men in the study reported that they had not shared with anyone that they have sex with men. And only 41% had confided in a best friend or parent. Primary factors tended to be fear of acceptance from family and friends.

Brown believes this is definitely more true for bisexuals than others in the gay community.

“I feel like my bisexual brothers and sisters tend to have it a little bit harder when they come into the LGBTQ+ community," said Brown. "I think just because you get pressures from inside the queer community and also from the outside the queer community, with people who don't understand."