When friendships fade: What we don’t say out loud

By Charly Rousseau

What makes a friendship last?

“Effort,” said Regina Rousseau, without hesitation.

But then she admitted to having "lost" a friend who had been inseparable in their 20s. There was no drama, no fight. Just life. One day, they realized they hadn’t talked in years.

That really stuck with me.

Alexa Bicknell had the opposite experience. After moving to another country, she had to start from scratch.

She used to think friendships would just happen, but she learned that isn't the case once you’re older. You have to actually try to make friends; be intentional, maybe even a little vulnerable.

And that’s hard when you’re used to things just clicking.

That idea -- the slow, confusing way friendships fade -- came up over and over again.

We talk about love, not friendship

According to clinical psychologist Dr. Shapiro, it’s way more common than people realize. 

“Drifting is often the result of avoidance more than conflict,” she said. “Sometimes we cling to a friendship that no longer fits because we’re holding onto who we used to be.”

We always talk about communication and effort in romantic relationships, but in friendships? It’s like we expect them to just work, no maintenance needed.

Even though they matter just as much.

“Real friendships don’t just happen, they’re built," Rousseau said. "Friendships take work, just like any other relationship.”

Dr. Shapiro pointed out that most people don’t realize how much maintenance friendships need, stuff like checking in, making time, and actually showing up for each other. It doesn’t happen automatically.

Bicknell put it more directly.

“If I’m always the one making plans, always the one checking in, then that’s not a friendship," she said. "That’s me carrying the whole thing.”

Dr. Shapiro sees this all the time. 

“We’re wired for reciprocity," she added. "When you’re the only one reaching out, it becomes emotionally exhausting.”

The hard conversations we avoid

So why don’t we say something?

“With romantic partners, we expect check-ins,” Dr. Shapiro said. “With friends, it feels weird to say, ‘Hey, I feel hurt,’ but it shouldn’t.”

She said it’s OK to set expectations in friendships. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Just an invitation to meet halfway.

Bicknell said being more upfront helped her figure out who was worth keeping around. Likewise, Rousseau once asked a friend, “Do you even want this friendship?” The answer hurt, but it gave her closure.

Most friendships don’t end in a fight. They just fade.

“No falling out,” Rousseau said. “Just less and less contact.”

Alexa said she used to keep friendships alive just because of the good memories—but eventually, she had to be real with herself.

Dr. Shapiro said drifting apart isn’t always bad. People grow. Priorities change. But not talking about it can leave someone confused and unseen.

The illusion of connection

Then there’s social media.

“People assume they’re keeping up just because they see posts,” Rousseau said. “That’s not the same as having a real conversation.”

And Bicknell added that they definitely take work.

“Friendships don’t happen if you just sit at home and wait for people to find you,” she said.

Dr. Shapiro pointed out that online interaction can't replace real-life connection.

“Social media gives the illusion of connection," she said. "But closeness comes from actual interaction, not watching someone’s life from a distance.”

Letting go can be loving, too

And then there’s nostalgia.

“Is this still adding to my life? Or am I just holding onto it because of the past?” Bicknell said.

Dr. Shapiro explained that nostalgia can be beautiful…but also deceptive.

"We tend to idealize past relationships," she said, "especially ones that were meaningful during formative years.”

Some friendships fade. Some end quietly. Some are worth saving. Others, not so much.

"Some people are meant to be in your life for a season," Dr. Shapiro added, "and that’s okay.”