WTF is FOMO? And why do we let it control our lives?

By Riley Burke

It’s been the longest week of my life. 

OK, maybe not.

More like just a regular college weekend where local bars create a reason I feel like I need to go out and drink. 

Every night. 

Tipsy Tuesday, Wine-not Wednesday, Thirsty Thursday...suddenly it's TGIF, and I’ve begun to question why college kids love a dirty bar and seeing the same people every weekend. 

You are probably thinking to yourself, “just don’t go out," and you might be alarmed with the number of excuses we have to drink cheap wine and avoid the inevitable fate of ending up in the "real world" someday. 

Unfortunately for me, and a majority of college students, we love performance over connection. 

Whether it is partying, grabbing a coffee, or showing “face” at some random event, many times I can’t help but wonder “why am I even here”? 

Blame FOMO

FOMO? WTF is that?

The Fear Of Missing Out.

A term coined by a Harvard Business School student in 2004 that attempts to describe our anxiety from over-commitment combined with our underlying desire to be included because of fear of exclusion if we aren't. The student, Patrick McGinnis, even wrote a handbook for how to stop letting FOMO ruin our lives.

It's basically something that just eats us alive because we hate being “left out” but are often exhausted with the inclusion.

Performance over connection

Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs tells us that by being loved, one of our major needs is being met. It is so much easier to thrive with a group, and feel comfortable around others.

After the most basic needs of food, water, shelter and safety are met, the next greatest need is of belonging. The feeling of connection brings us closer together with those around us. 

FOMO is rooted in our fear that if we risk being left out, we lose that sense of belonging.

This idea gets worse if we aren’t around the people who can control the things we do and suggest things we don’t do, such as parents, spouses or friends. 

For college students, it’s easy to lose yourself while trying so hard to fit in. And the performance of being someone you are not, can be debilitating. 

It’s almost impossible to justify not doing something, because considering all the things we will miss out on, the risk is not worth the reward. 

Natalie Mueller, a freshman at the College of Charleston, believes a lot of students are not being honest with themselves about what they really want.

“I honestly think people get fomo a lot when they deep down want to stay home," she said. "But instead they force themselves to do what everyone else is doing just so they can be in the social scene and not miss out.” 

In fact, Mueller is guilty of it herself.

“Like last night, I didn’t want to go out, but I didn’t want to be bored, I guess, and stay in all weekend," she said. "So I went out with my friends and ended up being really tired and not feeling it.” 

There is a misconception that we need to act as if we want to be involved, when in reality we don’t gain genuine connections with people if we can’t enjoy ourselves. 

And so all these long nights, busy schedules, and overbooking doesn’t feel fulfilling, it just feels draining.

Instead, students should listen to their “social battery" and recognize when they are so drained, they are disconnected from reality and need to spend some time alone to feel more themselves and ready to socialize. 

Just like a phone alerts us when it needs some time to plug in and charge, our fatigue is really our mind telling us it needs to rest and get recharged

Comparison feeds the beast

A major culprit feeding our FOMO is the comparison we feel almost constantly, often based in social media.

“With the advancement of social media, people are feeling like they can’t escape FOMO,” says clinical psychologist Dr. Amy Sullivan. "We have access to everything 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and most people are on multiple platforms. Because of this, people are feeling like they’re either missing out or they’re not doing enough to reach their full potential.”

Although anxiety that comes from comparing to the fun and excitement that others might be having is not unique to the online world, it is certainly exacerbated by it.

So many people cannot avoid comparing their lives to others, and suddently everything feels like a competition.

Cailee Burke, a 25-year-old under writer for Plymouth Rock Assurance, reflected on the anxiety she felt by comparing herself to fellow college students at University of Massachusetts at Amherst.

“Being at UMASS, which has such a large student population, made it overwhelming at times because things were always going on," Burke said.

She said sometimes she felt pressured to make plans when she knew there was something going on that she wasn’t invited to. 

Going to a college where many students from her high school also attended made the pressure even more difficult to navigate.

Staying up to date on high school friends and what they accomplished made her constantly feel like she was in a one-sided competition to “glow up" -- a phrase referring to a person's transformation into a more attractive or accomplished version of their younger selves. 

That feeling of not being good enough is as common as acne among teenagers, but that doesn't make it any less problematic for them.

Burke explained that a lof of her relief post-grad just came from being able to manage her free time without feeling guilty about not being part of something.

This yearning of relief from social pressures is  

The four most performative years of our lives are being wasted on expensive vodka sodas and instagram likes, which as a result make us feel worthy and loved. 

Interestingly, Burke was more concerned about her siblings and the experience they would have.

“I was more anxious for my younger siblings to go to college. It put me through the anxiety of peer pressure again, knowing there's so much stress in ‘fitting in,’ and I hate to think about them not enjoying the experience because of that.”

Enjoying solitude vs. fear of isolation

So what happened to isolation and why do we fear it so much? 

Tranquility might be a better way of explaining the difference between being a lone sheep, and being peaceful in the decision to be content in serenity. 

Olivia Falzone, a freshman at the College of Charleston, says she copes with the FOMO feeling by prioritizing.

"I prioritize the things that fill my cup and try to focus on what I'm doing and just be happy for others when I see them doing fun things," she says.

This was a refreshing take on the reality of balancing it all. 

The parties, the pressures, and the posts. 

There is so much benefit in human connection. But the best way to enjoy that connection is when it is fulfilling. And FOMO does not lead to fulfilling connections.

The best answer to FOMO is to get off our phones, stop scrolling and enjoy the moments around us -- the small ones, the fun ones, even the alone ones.

You can’t be everywhere at once, so live every moment you're in. 

To start, I recommend turning on the “Do Not Disturb” feature of the very device you’re reading this from.