The first call back home to mom after moving to college

by Riley Burke

Relationships between kids and parents evolve a lot when they go to college, leaving a difficult navigation for both in the relationship.

“Heeeeyy, mom,” I said in my first call home from college.

“Riley, are you okay? Is everything alright, I’m worried about you.” 

“Yeah. You forgot to teach me how to do my own laundry. When do I separate the colors in the load?” 

“Jeeeeeez honey, you gave me a heart attack. Nice to know you’re doing well. Can’t believe you haven’t called yet.”

“Mom, you moved me in yesterday.”

That first call home from college can be awkward. Parents and kids are navigating a new independence and knowing when to call, how often to call and what to talk about takes some time to get into a rhythm.

A parent’s first instinct when the child calls home is that their kid needs something, or is just looking to talk to someone. 

A child’s first instinct when a parent calls is that something must be terribly wrong, leading to a gut-wrenching feeling when the parent’s name pops up on the phone.

Regardless of their instincts, both parents and children alike are trying to figure out this new dynamic.

Charlotte McGarry, a junior at the College of Charleston, remembers how she felt about the constant calls from her mom.

“Most of the time it’s like ‘oh shit’ I haven’t called her in a while, she's due,” McGarry said. “I figure she is just calling to check in. If it's after 10 p.m., I’m thinking ‘someone died.’”

Adults face a different challenge; letting their children be. Knowing their kids are away from home unsupervised can be extremely stressful. As special as it is to send a child off to college to navigate things on their own, and as much as they may enjoy a cleaner house, they definitely miss the person who made the mess.

“Sometimes when I’m bored or walking to class, I get mad when [my mom] doesn’t answer,” says Lily Amato, a sophomore at The College,  who enjoys talking to her mom in the moments between classes.

And Christine Amato was spot on when asked to guess why her daughter usually calls. 

“Lily calls if she is bored and wants to talk about something silly she did, or share the link for new sorority merch…or she needs a dress for something,” Christine says.

Lily was the kind of kid who acted tough and pretended nothing bothered her when she went off to college. But she also wanted her mom to be her friend as well.

Children begin to notice this conflicting sensation of urging to do things on their own, while still missing the guidance their parents had to offer.

Although we rely on our parents to “parent”... and have the answers to everything, sometimes it’s human to hope that they can act as a friend as well. 

Christine acknowledged this personality difference between Lily and her older sister Rachel Amato -- an alumna at the College of Charleston. 

Christine remembers very well her first phone call with Lily after she had gone to college.

"She said, 'I haven't cried and I don't plan to, so don't make me cry,'" Christine recalled. "Which of course made me tear up."

As teenagers, most kids believe their parents are in the wrong during disagreements and all their fights are because the parents are too strict.

At the end of the day, however, kids and their parents forge a new dynamic where they can be considered friends, too.

After going away to college, children begin to see how their parents might have just been looking out for their best interests.

“I disagreed with mom about curfews, " McGarry said. "It would put a strain on our relationship for a few weeks at a time, but looking back she was probably right. She always tells me that nothing good happens after 12 a.m.”

As children get older, it often becomes apparent that a more mature relationship with parents can develop.

With time and distance, parents begin to notice how special their child is in their lives. And children tend to notice that the fridge doesn’t stock itself, a bed doesn’t make itself, and they didn’t raise themselves, either.

This gives both parties a new appreciation for their relationship.

Years after a prior disagreement had caused tension between Lily and her mother, she started to understand the root of their conflicts.

“Growing up I was so self conscious," she said. "I regret not listening to [my mom] before, because it truly wasn’t that deep.”

“I think Lily still doesn’t realize how special she is, which is hard as a parent when you want them to believe in themselves and their dreams," Christine admitted.

But the two have found common ground, and Christine can testify to it getting easier as her girls get older.

“At least my daughter doesn’t make fun of me as much as she did growing up," she laughs.